The morning of his surgery, BF's nurse asked if he had a living will. BF put this one together and posted on IG and FB to make it official.
This is what BF normally looks like:
And here's him getting ready to be knocked out with some good general anesthesia. (iPhone in his hand lol)
(Hit play for my soundtrack for this post. I know you like for me to give you some ambiance while reading).
I was absolutely shocked to see BF standing outside waiting for me to drive up! Apparently the morphine from the anesthesia knocked him out, but also made him feel great when he woke up. Maybe a little too good.
BF's parents left, and I was excited to hang out with BF that afternoon, because he seemed just fine... well ... that didn't last long. By evening he was in big time pain and, by nightfall he could no longer stand up, let alone sit up. He was 100% stuck laid flat on the sofa. This was fine by me, except when he had to go to the bathroom. I won't go into details, but standing was not his thing. It involved both me and him to help him stand and walk. One time around 2am his standing resulted with with bf passed out on the floor. Yeah. I was in the kitchen getting bf some water, luckily only a few feet away.
I did not leave BF's side the whole time I was there. I slept on the love seat while he slept on his downstairs couch. I read 50 Shades of Grey (My very lengthy Review coming TOMORROW! with excerpts. yay)
By taking care of BF when he was in this amount of pain, it took me mentally back to the first few weeks I was home with Gav. I was responsible for another human and I had no idea what would happen next. Just like taking care of BF. Would I have to call 911 if bf passed out again and didn't wake up? BF's mom told me I could call her at any hour of the day or night, so that was good. But being there alone with him, in the middle of the night, I was just a little bit scared even though I didn't want to admit it.
BF told me the morning after he passed out I looked terrified that whole night. I knew I could handle any situation with BF. I just would have to make a phone call if I needed more help. I think what scared me was not bf at all, it was that I was mentally taken back to a difficult place. A time that I had pretty successfully blocked out of my life. Those first few weeks home with Gav I absolutely dreaded the nights. My new normal was lack of sleep, crazy hormones, and the overwhelming feeling of helplessness and responsibility I had never felt before.
Even when Gav was sick a couple of weeks ago, he could tell me that it was his stomach that hurt. And he was just throwing up, nothing I couldn't handle. It was when Gav was a tiny newborn, who was sick and on the billiblanket, and refused to nurse. That's when it was overwhelming. And as a first time mom, I just had a c-section and was forbidden to walk around much. I had family who came up and who were there to help me. I even had a husband who was attentive. It was the nights that were so so hard. Everyone was asleep and I had too much pride than to wake anyone up and ask for help. I didn't want people blaming me for being tired driving 5 hrs home after seeing me and Gav, I didn't want people getting mad that I needed their help in the middle of the night, blaming me that were tired at work the next day. So I dreaded the nights because I was the only one responsible. I had a mental countdown and it was a countdown of how many hours it was daylight until I was left alone with this baby, this helpless, fussy, tiny life I was 100% responsible for at night.
I had forgotten about those nights, about the countdown of daylight hours and those feelings all came flooding back when I was taking care of bf. I wish I could say that this time it was different, that I had a new found confidence in myself. But I didn't. I was just scared. So I sat awake in the dark and read 50 Shades of Grey on my iPad. I wish iPads had been invented 6 yrs ago when Gav was an infant.
I also thought about what it would be like now home with an infant. But this time with Gav there too. And I just couldn't imagine it. It was beyond overwhelming to me. I have friends who are moms and do this, but with young YOUNG kids very close in age, and dogs they have to let out, and dinners they have to cook, and houses they have to clean. Those mamas who can do all that and more are the superheroes in life. And it's the hardest, most unappreciated, zero-pay job there is. The strength they find is amazing. I am in total awe by them and wish I had the strength they have.
By the way, this was all me having some kind of internal battle with myself. BF really was okay. Yes, he's still in awful pain, but he's surviving. He was able to somehow walk himself to the bathroom (ok the backyard) when I was asleep that next morning. I left him in very good hands with our friend C when I had to leave to go back to work and BF spent last night by himself and he survived. His parents are there in the same city. It's just hard for me, who lives 2 hours away, who is responsible for picking Gav up at school and making sure he's okay too.
And I guess in the end, that's really what life's all about. Knowing the different types of pain. How to help others dealing with pain. and how to deal with your own pain.